Cereality. Imagine being able to get a fat bowl of cereal any time you'd like. obvs, if you were at home you could get that shit all day... I mean if you were taking your lunch break or wandering around town. You could mix them up, add toppings (hi bananas), and pay a nice person wearing pajamas. Apparently, they make cereal shakes--disgusting-- but they also offer cereal to go in a leakproof container, which is totally radical and fully amazing. Should one open here in lovely Santa Barbara, I would gladly forsake In N Out in favor of Cocoa Krispies all day long. I was thinking about how excited I would be if they opened some stores up in airports. Especially SFO, seeing as I spend so much time there during layovers. durrr.

Rate My Kitten.

Maybe you haven't seen NME's Cool List CD? Maybe you could? Or maybe you should streamThe Bravery?

And when I thought that the China hole toilets were bad, I learned about Indian toilets (via boingboing). I especially like the electric showers... there's nothing like standing in a pool of water and playing with electricity.

I LOVE LINKING!

Baby girl, you so beautiful.

IM RULES!

Ron Burgundy: dude
Ron Burgundy returned at 11:13:09 AM.
Ron Burgundy: DUUUUDE
Ron Burgundy: http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96781308/K=lil+jon/v=2/SID=e/l=VDP/SIG=
11qba3i8o/*-http%3A//www.blarfy.com/files/movies/newsDrunkWoman.wmv
Ron Burgundy is away at 11:41:13 AM.
CHARLES: I do that all the time
Auto response from Ron Burgundy: Jesus told me not to talk to you.
CHARLES: in fact I'm known for beating up newsmen
CHARLES: newsmen and women
CHARLES: Im an equal opportunity bag thrower
CHARLES: or newspersdon abuser
CHARLES: this is so going on my blog

Get off the pooter, folks

With all of my recent food related excitement, for the first time in a long time (about 7 years), I found myself completely uninterested in getting on the internet. Although I could hardly say the respite was relaxing, (the closest sentiment was a horror), this article suggests that perhaps we could all use a little break from the internet. Whether yours is food poisoning related, an act of God, or for reasons that are beyond me-- that you simply would not want to read whatevs, I dare you try it.

Sadly, I had no encounters with any of the hole style toilets in China. I did, however, have the distinct pleasure of staying at one of the largest compunds in all of Guangzho-- The Clifford. The enormity of the place is strange in comparison to the general layout of Panyu City in general. The Clifford features a major hotel (I would imagine it is a 4 star by Chinese hotel standards), luxury high rise apartments, a major hospital (about 15 stories high), a school, more restaurants than you can shake a stick at, a zoo, regular old apartments, grocery stores, clothing stores, electronics stores, and a million people. I'm serious. All in a gated compound off the side of a highway that seems to be under permanent construction. Oh, I forgot, The Clifford War Games area... yes-- you can shoot fake guns at one another while you crawl through bushes and terrain near the lake on the property.

Have I told you lately

Before I started puking up my sushi dinner from yesterday (I think it was the sea urchin), I had been trying, in vain, to get a picture of the toilet sprayer in action. As I've said before, all of the toilet action takes place when there is weight on the seat... being that the spray erupts from the toilet bowl itself in an upward trajectory, I have attempted to get a profile picture of the butt fountain in action to avoid getting wet. So far, my attempts have been fruitless. I tried putting my foot on the seat, standing on it (I would definitely have gotten a spray but I chickened out since I didn't want wet pants), and holding my breath hoping for a miracle. No luck. Just puke. I must say, on its way up, Miso tastes like shit. I can only hope you will settle for this pic of instructions on what not to do on the toilet. Please notice, I have put the toilet in dire danger of cracking seeing as I was standing on it. I might have caused some injuries.



I also took the liberty of thoroughly creeping out other people in the women's restroom at Seibu (a ginormous department store) by taking a picture of this even more user intensive toilet, replete with "Powerful Deodorizer". I didn't push it because I didn't know if the deodorizer was for the air or for butts. I must say, though, repeatedly pushing the "Flushing sounds" button in there was pretty funny in a kindergarten sort of way. I didn't play with the volume button so I didn't get a sense of how loud you could get that shit going.



Also, please note this toilet disinfectant... so much more reassuring than our run of the mill paper guards.



I really should have taken a picture of the women in the bathroom who were startled to see me walking out of the stall after seeing flashes going off. Just wait until I get to China and can take more pictures of the holes in the floor.

as seen in harajuku

So, I'm in Japan and obvs, I have like the worst case of jet lag. I was out today in Shibuya and Harajuku staring at feet and going into little hole in the wall sneaker shops... when lo, I saw this freak mask in front of one of the 80 vintage shops. Seriously. He's got nips on his cheeks. So fucked. I had to check with other people I was with to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the teats. Nasty.

Lindsay Lohan

Total blazer. No wonder she's so exhausted.

It explains so much.

Prince Charles Reminisces About his love of soggy, wife-cheating, emotionally distant Cereal.

one of these days

Although this may not affect all of you, I have to share that you can check your credit report for free beginning tomorrow, courtesy of Assface Bush. I guess they're worried about swarming Americans, so only people living in the beautiful state of California and other semi-important, mildly relevant states like Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Hawaii, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming can see them now. Even if you don't have any loans or are filthy filthy rich and think credit reports are for losers, please check anyway. You'd be suprised at how many companies look at that shit everyday. Or you might be even more suprised if you are one of those lucky people who have credit cards you didn't even know about! I'm serious


Good music: click here or here and stream a Shugo Tokumaru song. You can buy it here (shipping is only $2.00!) since other music is out.

this is a bad idea attracts a whole new sort of readership.

I'm a little troubled. I accidentally spilled Coke all over my keyboard so I am cutting and pasting "spaces" to write this since my space bar isn't working. Tedious, to say the least. I was going to find a new keyboard before I posted again, but I couldn't help it. One of the MSN searches that yielded a visit from some interesting, fascinating person in Idaho was so vom I had to post: Dirty Preggo Porn. (third down)

Simba hearts Turkey Day.

Monkeys are people, too.

Who's the luckiest monkey at the zoo? I think we all know. via Ultragrrrl

If you fancy yourself the new Paris or Nicole, ie you've got sex tapes, please check out this wonderful opportunity with the WB network. Who knows? Maybe you too can start wearing shirts that utterly decimate the English language.

Ruben Studdard: hospitalized for exhaustion. Does this mean he had his implants taken out, too?

Sorry Lindsay.

99 bottles of Coke on the wall.

It wasn't until this weekend that I snapped out of the strange spell I like to call the shrug sweater. It started with a mild interest in capelets (NOT PONCHOS!). I would think, "You know, those really aren't so bad," all the while fully accepting that they only looked good in magazines, ie highly styled pics of models on barcaloungers. I'd see some around, stare at the beadwork and think, "meh. whatevs." I repeatedly witnessed shrug wearers and knotted sweater wearers all over this lovely town I live in. The same. Sort of ok, not great, but not so bad. I was beginning to feel like I was accepting of this weird article of clothing. Like that I wouldn't make a shit smelling face every time I saw one. In fact, I met a lady that wore them with such panache, I thought about getting a black cashmere knot front kind just like the one she was wearing.
But then the bubble burst.
It burst so fast it made me wonder how the shrug/cropped sweater had managed to weasle its way into my fashion consciousness. I saw a girl in town that was wearing a cable knit version. It hit me. It really made her look like a linebacker, an armed meatball with thick gauge fuzz. Then I saw another. It was a vision of what not to wear. For those of you that are proud shrug wearers, I salute you. If you look good in one, I cheer you. But the rest of you, I encourage you to refrain. Fight the urge, ok?
Proof:



Skeet on Mischa brings an informed preliminary review of the Life Aquatic. Here are some more from Ain't It Cool News. I'm holding out.
Trailer 1. Trailer 2.

Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble

As long as I'm getting into the Thanksgiving spirit and dressing my cat up like a pilgrim and carving turkey wreaths, I figured I'd share Martha Stewart's mailing address. This way, you too can send her nice letters about what you are dressing your pets up like and how bummed you are that her magazine is not nearly as awesome as it used to be:

FPC Alderson
Glen Ray Road, Box B
Alderson, WV 24910

Inmate #: 55170-054

For those of you unfamiliar with the standard prison inmate writing procedures (ahem), please be sure to include her name and inmate number on the top of each page of your letter and on the outside of the envelope. You cannot send her any sporks or digging instruments, mmmmkay?

Real World Landon and Bachelor Bob; Separated at birth?

Thank god for VH1. How else would I have become aware of the remarkable resemblance between Bachelor Bob-- the fat dude that Trista rejected the first time around-- and Landon from the Philadelphia Real World-- the drunken fratboy douche? See, they've been playing some countdown of Best of 2004 Red Carpet Moments all day, and wouldn't you know, Bachelor Bob is one of the commentators. I hadn't thought about him since he broke up with one of the chicks from the show and then married some other chick from a soap opera. I was thinking about how he has severe weenie face when I thought of a more recent weenie face with the requisite pubic hair head-- Landon. Oh wow. I had to share the shocking similarities between the horse abuser and world famous musician and author.


You be the judge:










Need a GIF of your favorite pubically follicled horse abuser? Look no further...

Kevin Federline: totally greasy or totally hot?

Obviously, there are things you share and things best left to discuss with yourself, silently. I've been a little embarassed about my weird obsession with Kevin Federline that I have been forced to satiate by the associative property with posts about Britney. From here on out, though, I will readily admit my love for all things Federline (with the exception of the baby Federlines... sometimes them, too. But only if one of them is in the backseat, or barefoot). Although I will admit that it is most likely his love of weed that has brought on Britney's rapid descent into a McDonald-loving, chain smoking, orange finger crusted shadow of her former self, I have nothing but googly eyes for his most recent, shaggier non-thug look. I digress.

Let the ogling begin:


Notice Kevin's stoned but totally radical visage.


A little too JT for my taste, but whatevs.


Totally GREASY!!!

Did anyone catch his wedding pics? Yow.

Also, since when Lindsay Lohan's "relationship" with Fez warrant a look back by People magazine?

Speaking of People magazine, has anyone noticed the new Stetson ads with Matthew McConaghey? Jesus. It's like a ginormous mameltoe.

Why do they even bother advertising this shit? A comedy with a language all its own. That language? WTF. I'm only 50% Mexican and I'm at least 95% offended. For shame.

I love really easy Page Six Blind items:
WHICH megastar rapper has been cheating on his superstar songstress girlfriend with the sultry hostess of a popular hip-hop TV show?

hmmmmm. hmmmmm.

Godspeed, Big Baby Jesus.

I will never forget the day you took a limo to pick up your welfare check.

A new Craigslist favorite: the SB Barter Section

Clever.

Waterford Memories figurines in exchange for credit card payments. Perhaps I could offer up Christmas tree ornaments to pay my college loans?

This poster makes a carbon fountain pen (wtf is that anyway) seem like the Delorean transporter from Back to the Future. Why? Because he refers to the year 2000 as 2000 AD.

Classic Craigslist-- multiple poster. He's just a "handy" dude that wants to work your lady yard, weekly. Apparently, he's got oils. And he's handsome.

A-N-T-M spells MOON

Last night's episode of ANTM taught us that although they may be recent ivy league college gradutes-- Yaya-- or, um, determined to be America's Next Top PLUS SIZED Model-- Toccara-- each uttered the sort of crap that makes me shudder... not in embarassment, but in the way that makes me wonder if they think about what they say before it comes out of their mouths.



Yaya-- where the hell did she go to school anyway?-- really spelled it out for Norelle when she let her know that there were nine figurative blocks on which the word C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-N was spelled. At last count, the word competition has 11 letters. I just sincerely feel that Rain Man would be the only person that would be able to simultaneously spell and count the number of letters in a word and announce both in a sentence without pausing the count on their fingers. But maybe I'm the asshole who sits and counts out the letters after someone alphabetically counts something. No me importa.





Later, Toccara announced that she was "F-A-B-O-lous". Like, she spelled "f," then "a," then "b," then "o," and enunciated the remainder of the word. Maybe I'm uppity about spelling and grammar. But I know that if I wasn't the best speller, I wouldn't half spell/half pronounce a word-- especially on television. But I guess Toccara wasn't aware of this. And neither was Tyra when, at the end of the episode, as Toccara was getting the boot, she asked where the old Toccara was, the "F-O-B-O-lous" Toccara.


There was also a smattering of racial issues that came up in the episode that I will refrain from writing about since it involved dashikis and african print hats. Let's just say that Rebecca Weinberg aka STYLIST TO THE STARS told Yaya she was too ethnic. A touchy subject. A subject that Yaya loves to touch.


What could only be considered the highlight of the episode was Diva Eva faltering under the pressure of a TARANTULA!!! Her tear and snot stained image will forever live on in ANTM history. Eva: I limp wristedly salute you and your dumb spider. I hope you lose.

BREAKING NEWS!

Drudge gets up close and personal.

Angora Rabbits are so hot right now

Perhaps Jessica has been reading the old blog. Or maybe she was thinking, "Fuck you Nick Lachey. You stared at porn stars doin' it, so I'm going to go pay money to watch three dudes do penis tricks. Suck it."

Normally, I don't give a shit about the new Real World, but DUDE, Cuddle Cards??? I guess Shavonda's (ex)boyfriend Shaun "gushes over them." I was thinking, what is this cuddle card? Could it inspire some personal gushing? I'll let you be the judge. Also-- Shavonda? FYI: Landon looks like a turd with a curly combforward. I can only hope you will not touch his nether regions this season.

Also, in my favorite sort of news-- the who gives a shit kind-- Liza Minelli is EN FUEGO!! First, she began beating up her lady friend ex-husband David Gest. Now, her personal assistant is suing her for beating the shit out of him. She also got crazy at an Outkast party in North Carolina (Third item from bottom). I wonder who she beat up there. Big Boi, perhaps?

Britney tags a clothing store.

Um.

Does that P.S. say "B-Wicked"?

NSFW central.

While Good Plastic Surgery extols the virtues of well done boob jobs, Tara Reid subjected the American public to a really ugly boob (NSFW). I wonder how she didn't notice that shit hanging out all over the place. Seriously. Here's a film of it (via Gawker).
And not to be outdone, at the same party, Paris took it a step further. Could someone get this girl a pair of undies, please? (NSFW)

Fighting Words.

The Postal Service vs. the United States Postal Service.

Who wins?

Who cares?

Now I'm just confused.

Isn't smoking bad for babies?

Polaroid advises you not to shake it.

Just lay that shit flat.

Or, keep that shit in. WARNING, GROSS.

Eff the red states.

Even though the state of Brintey's ovaries won't make me feel better about how shitty most of this country(red states-- I mean you) is, it is a welcome distraction from yesterday's "moral" election.

bombs away......

Blind items from Popbitch:
Which pregnant pop star gets her implants removed during pregnancy so her naturally swollen breasts don't balloon too massively? After the sprog pops out, the implants go back in.

Which star of Desperate Housewives used to deal drugs to fellow students while at college? The star was so successful that they even had business cards printed with a pager number and company name – Little Buddha.

Gawker assures that Page Six has reported that Shar Jackson is yammering about Britney being totally and absolutely preggo.

Apparently, Star's rundown last week of the dirty details of Nick Lachey's penchant for drooling while staring at lesbian porn stars doing it at Bachelor parties is totally untrue.

Bill Murray, I love you.

This made me so excited I peed just a little bit. I'm joking. But really, this just makes me so excited. I would probably be a little more excited if he was doing James and the Giant Peach, but whatevs. The Life Aquatic is out December 25th nationwide.

I blame it, like most everything bad, on U2.

I keep reading about all of these funky updates Apple is making to the automatic downloads that pop up (at least on my computer) for the Ipod and I'm getting a little creeped out. It's always pissed me off a bit that I can't use my Ipod like a hard drive and put the music back on my computer from my Ipod after I erase it off of the computer's hard drive. Because of this, I haven't downloaded the Itunes Music Update 4.7. Is this bad or good? I'm thinking it is a good decision.

Anyway, for those of you with Ipods that are maybe as creeped out as I am, here are some nice Ipod related links:

The source of my concern.

The great battery conspiracy. (totally true, by the way) To avoid the ridiculous charges from Mac, buy your own battery and replace it yourself.

Craft an external Ipod battery in a card case. Or make one out of an Altoid box. Shit... why not make a Universal remote out of it?

Forget the transfer music back and forth problem; use Open Pod.

Please go vote for Kerry.

Just a one fingered victory salute.

Ghouls, goblins, Lymphogranuloma venereum.

please note TOM GREEN over Nicki's shoulder

What the world needs now is a new STD. Especially something that causes intestinal bleeding, genital ulcers, and inflammation of the colon. Luckliy, it can be cured by a three week course of antibiotics or prevented by avoiding hot tubs. ZING!

I'm so excited.

Three things that I love:
1. Craigslist
2. Owen Meany (in turn, see #3)
3. The tiny people from Australia



On santabarbara.craigslist it seems like the sketchy shit in therapeutic services has very little to do with happy ending masseuses or people who telepathically communicate with animals. There's a dude on there that just won't let up. He really wants a "massage."

In his first post, he is looking to find a masseuse that is not only female, but also in shape. Hmm. A little weird, but whatevs, right? No. One of his next lines is, "No need to be sore any longer than necessary. Right?" DUDE IS A FREAK.

In what I can only assume is his second post, five days later, he straddles the fine line between creepy and lecherous. In an attempt to counteract his creepy post, he indicates he is a Gentleman.

Again, 8 days later, he posts again. Only this time, he has an arrangement for a caring, female massuese.

At this point in my reading, I started wondering if he was a cop trolling for hookers, or a really horny old dude who wants a serious bonerfied rubdown. There has to be more posts, right? This guy was not going to give up.

He didn't. He had to give it one last try.

Allerca | The Hypo-Allergenic Cat

It's so weird they don't show you what they look like.

Semi-militant grammarians, UNITE!

Which would be gramatically correct here: Stabbing your gay lover with a pair of scissors? Or stabbing your gay lover with a Scissors?

Bjork the new Sinead? Stereogum brings it.

John Norris is so 1992

Laura urges Teresa to "talk to the hand."

This little blurb from Gawker Stalker further proves that no one is in touch with the fact that Kurt Loder is the semi-retired-but-still occasionally-paraded-out-for-news-spots VJ worth anything:

John Norris was at the Union Square East Starbucks with a very, very, very young boy toy. The boy was still struggling to make it through puberty and could not have been older than 18 perhaps, to be generous, 20. John sat very close to the lad, placng his knee between his crotch. The boy was gushing about his friend's reaction to the fact that 'John Norris was his boyfriend.' He said 'They all keep saying, when is John Norris (yes, he used his first and last name) coming over?' John was blushing and loving the attention."

"They're drooling on themselves sometimes, their motor function is so bad." Beware of California motorists under the influence of Kava. This means you, Britney and Kevin.

And I'm going to name my kid Mike Hunt.

Ashlee explains herself: it's acid REFUX, people.
(I promise, in like two days, I will forget about Ashlee Simpson and not post about her again, unless I see something about her acid reflux acting up again... or if I can find those pictures of her and Ryan making out at the airport.)

We are the Village Green Preservation Society

Al Green forgot to pull his pockets out to complete his Elephant impersonation. Fans of Grandmother's Tongue, Brain, and The Turtle (Totes NSFW) everywhere were disappointed.

Perhaps if Milli Vanilli would have had the foresight to blame their lack of singing talent on Acid Reflux disease, they could have ushered in pharmaceutical sponsorship years and years ago. Maybe Color Me Badd could have gotten sponsored by Cialis.

This article makes it seem like Kevin and Britney are drinking all of the fucking Kava on the island. Again, somebody, please warn Britney about the Cheetos. Orange babies are so not awesome.

I'm lovin' it.

I love Craigslist.

Especially in other cities.

Botching the sequence.

Anyone catch Ashlee "Milli Vanilli" Simpson on SNL last night? It is maybe the funniest thing that has happened on that show in forever. If you missed it, here's a mac and pc friendly link to the debacle. I can't even tell if the band was fake playing like she was fake singing. What was up with the one hand up crotch out dancing thing? She should stick to the gumboot/popeye-the-sailor-man dancing she starts doing once she realizes her cover was blown. Discuss. Also, please check out pics of Milli Vanilli Simpson at the afterparty. Please take special note of Joe Simpson (5th row down, second over) looking like he might choke a bitch. Smashing!

UPDATE!
"What really happened." via Gossiplist. Also, Ashlee is threatening to delete everything on the website... read it.

Prince Harry is the new Sean Penn.

AP Photo/Charlie Pycraft

WalMart's remains the bastion of Christian modesty by electing to not carry Jon Stewart's book, America in their brick and mortar retail outlets due to images of naked Supreme Court justices inside. This does not preclude smutty Wal-mart.com from selling said naked bookonline.