WTF?

Primary reason why this didn't wind up being the iTunes or iPod commercial: it makes you feel like you're going to be killed in your sleep by a creepy puppet dictator.

It's vs. its

Let's settle it:

It's signifies a contracted version of two words, ie "it is" or "it has". Basically, if you can break out the contracted "It's" within a sentence, your usage is correct:
"It's already happened." becomes "It has already happened."
"It's not my fault." becomes "It is not my fault."

Its signifies a possessive... it's a possessive pronoun that implies ownership or involvement within itself. It is also a neuter way of saying his or hers. For example:
A team is only as strong as its members.

I will never ever forget the time my history teacher in high school called me out in front of the entire class because of my misuse of the words it's and its in my hastily crafted papers on Chinese history. While this episode is still fresh in my mind, it dawned on me the other day that despite that embarassing episode, I could not remember which was which.

Courtney Love's big words

Main Entry: ne·ol·o·gism
Pronunciation: nE-'ä-l&-"ji-z&m
Function: noun
Etymology: French néologisme, from ne- + log- + -isme -ism
1 : a new word, usage, or expression
2 : a meaningless word coined by a psychotic

In the same way Monica Lewinsky's surname became a neologism for blow jobs, getting a stranger to lick your breast outside of Wendy's will heretofore be known as "Pulling a Courtney."

Gross, sick, and disgusting

I've been sort of sitting on this link for a little while. I got it a couple of weeks back and was so dumbfounded, I just wasn't sure whether it was ethically irresponisble of me to post it or whether that line had already been crossed in Linklater's Slacker when Madonna's Pap Smear was being hawked on the street (you know that really happened). I came to a conclusion: as long as I don't condone it, it is maybe a little bit ok. Or basically, once I post it and really start feeling badly about it, I will take it down and post more about kittens. We'll see. You be the judge. And as far as I can tell, it is totally legit. Celebrity Skin... totally disgusting and affordable.
This however, is beautiful and FREE!!!
And while I'm on it, I have to post about the lady with the finger at Wendy's. As it turns out, her husband got it for FREE from a kid that lost his finger at a job site. I guess he owed the lady's husband $50. The fingerless kid's mom's response? "My son is a happy-go-lucky guy. He thought it was cute to show" the severed finger, Shouey said. "It's like a man thing." WTF?

Matthew Drudge, you are so epic.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S

Don't be jealous just beacuse my gato is better than yours.

Gruyere cheese smells like armpits.

Why is speech software so radical? While I used to spend a great deal of time on Lil Goosechip's original IMAC utilizing all of the really amazing voices that came standard n his Speech program, I think this new software takes the cake. See, it has names for different regional voices-- in both male and female forms-- and one might argue that the bevy of male and female "American" options relates directly to caucasian, latino, and african inflections. I challenge you to figure out which is which. I also would encourage you to have Rosa or Alberto swear in Spanish. And while the "Create a link" to this audio might seem like a fun thing to email out to people you know, it probably isn't the best idea considering the link expires within 5 minutes.

So sad.

This:

Leads to this:



How they met.

How to Blog properly.

Is there an online tutorial site that isn't written in Geek that I could read to understand how to fully develop my personal website into an homage to my obese cat, Simba? I'm serious. Everything I've read about registering, hosting, and FTP-ing a website is one of the most mystifying things I have ever tried to understand. It almost seems like everything I've ever read skips steps and I'm left wondering what the hell is going on. Anyone? Anyone? I've tried Webmonkey... the FTP thing is really what is totally discombobulating.


Also, check out this guy's website... soooo BEST!
Also, a quick little FYI.... Oprah is NOT a mom as she might have you believe from the clip. A friend of mine was at the taping and she is talking about her dogs.

What kind of name is Hudson, anyway?

Britney's truth: can you handle it?* That being said, I seriously cannot wait to see the show and Shar's response to it the very next day on the Insider with Pat O'Brien. oooooh.

"That guy has pee on his pants." Please read the epic interviw with Jay McCarrol, winner of Project Runway. Some more notable quotes: "did you see Sideways or read the new JT Leroy" and I'm like, what do you need that for when you can just sit outside and listen to some freak in a pickup truck listen to some weird Julio Iglesias music." Or how about when he meets the sister of one of the Proenza Schouler and says, after she informs him she has never received free clothing because they can't afford it, "That doesn't matter. If you made cookies for a living? Wouldn't you give your brother free cookies?" Google him for more fascinating revelations about what sort of things you wear when you are from the woods.

While I was reading this article about Renee Zellweger claiming that photographers slim her down in order to sell pictures, I laughed. I laughed because I'm an awful awful person. I also laughed because what sort of toucher upper would slim down her body and forget about her cheeks? Sorry. It's not nice. But I can't help it....

* Truth being the real nature of cheetos, and their crunchy and satisfying deliciousness. Yum!

meow meow meow

When I decided to go to college back east, there were some changes I was prepared for-- like the shitty weather and overzealous celebration of sunny days-- one of the things I wasn't prepared for was the sort of regional descriptive dialect that made me wonder what the hell everyone was talking about. Tag sales? Grinders? There is definitely other crap that I just can't remember right now... anyway, it seems like those "what the hell are you talking about" moments are few and far between now... As a matter of fact, until today, I haven't had one in a while.
All this time, when I would lay scarves and tiny tiny pillows and snacks on my fat cat, I always figured it was a sort of pet Jenga. Little did I know, this lovely practice of seeing how many lightweight things you can lay on your pet before it gets up is called Buckaroo.

putos putos-gali.

If, like me, you enjoy drawing pigs and also love personality tests, this is like the end all be all of pig drawing personality testing sites. Go here and draw some pigs to learn more about yourself.

skin conditions

Have you been following ANTM this season? Blah blah blah Michelle-- the bottle blonde with impetigo. Last episode, her impetigo really erupted and all of the girls freaked out and made up stories about how she had flesh eating bacteria-- the typical bitch girl type shit. The ANTM lj has a whole entry dedicated to it... and a link to this site with the most horrendous looking skin conditions I have ever seen. I'm serious. You'll maybe barf. For reals.

In other awesome UPN show news, Britney Federline and spouse are getting their own reality show. While this has potential to be the best thing ever, it could also be as horrible as that "we're married" show with Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra on MTV that got cancelled shortly after Dave got a colonic and asked the technician if she thought he was sexy.

Or worse, the piece of turd featuring Cameron Diaz called, appropriately enough, Trippin'.

Ice skating..... so hot right now.

Recent news about the change in AOL's instant messenger's rules and regulations-- basically, that they can read, sell, or do whatever the hell they want with your instant messages promises to leave millions of teenagers who IM about school, what a slut Anita is, and tests totally, totally, like freaked out.

I'm a huge fan of SmartWater and VitaminWater, but this shit makes me irritated. Borba? This is supposed to make your skin look better? Why not drink some fresh water and cut back on the greasy shit?

Try it.

Another amazing Myspace pic... Fight on, indeed.

Pirate Pig

Pirate Pig

smokin!

While we all can recognize that smoking is a dangerous, destructive, albeit semi-enjoyable horrendous habit that should be promoted under no circumstance, I couldn't help it. I had to post this... it's from a Japanese magazine called Boon. If you know what it says, please post in the comments.

I'm a Cuckoo

Read his diary. Download a song.

Yo no soy mentirosa.

Well, well, well. The Sun is now reporting that Brad and Jen are living together again. While this news is uninteresting because it has no rumored lesbian dalliances or mystery men in Greece, I have to give kudos to the Sun for never verifying their reporting... Like that story I linked to a couple of days ago about J. Lo. being preggo. They should seriously consider creating a tagline for their paper like how the NYT's is 'Without Friend or Foe," the Sun's should be "We just make shit up. Deal."

Michael Jackson is absolutely repulsive.

In weird monkey related news, yesterday morning on GMA, there was a story about a horrible attack on a husband and wife who were visiting their pet chimp at an animal sanctuary here in California. On Boing Boing, there is a monkey attack story that is a little intense. I knew a guy in college that got mauled by a monkey in a pet store, too. WTF is up with the monkeys?

While Myspace hasn't totally made me want to leave Friendster, what with all the grossness I encounter all the time, the friends of friends' photo albums are certainly amazing... take this little gem, for instance: a naked girl with a lit candle in the crack of her ass (it's actually quite brilliant).

Have I posted this already? Little kid music reviews.

Also weird, but full of potential: powdered lemon. Sort of like salt, but obvs, it's lemon. I don't even know where to start on this one. Totally amazing and special or totally dumb and weird? I can't wait to get my sample and dump it in my Coke. Go ahead... say it... I know you're thinking it.... D-O-R-K.

Courtney Love's big words

Corpulent cor·pu·lent
Pronunciation: -l&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin corpulentus, from corpus

: having a large bulky body : OBESE
- cor·pu·lent·ly adverb
Function: adjective

e.g.:
One could certainly explain Courtney Love's recent expansion into a more corpulent version of her former self as a sad marker of the end of an outside-of-Wendy's-boob-licking-era.

chugga chugga

Sort of awesome for those of us with epic mix tapes circa 1993-- a device that will convert all of your old tapes into digital files. All you have to do is plug this sucker into your computer and a tape deck and make an instant MP3 (or whatever digital format you want). Kind of sort of totally awesome.

I was so right.

Gizoogle: several years too late but pretty funny anyway.

Reach Stephen King @ freeway5@tmail.com

When I first read about Paris' Sidekick getting hacked and published on the internet, my first thought was, "how horrible for her." But then, I thought "I wonder who is in her phonebook?" And then I found this site. First of all, the phone numbers she has is astounding. Second, her notebook is full of some weird ass shit. Third, what is up with all the "Paris+Owl" and "Paris+skunk" pics with a smattering of full out girl/girl Paris+random pics? (NSFW)

Tune in Tokyo

I'm a HUGE Ebay fan... like I'm sort of obsessed with the site. Today, when I went to do my usual searches, I came across one of the most intriguing online games ever-- the Ebay treasure hunt. They give a totally bunk clue and if you find the auction that corresponds to the clue, you win $1,000. Sounds easy, but this sucker is a total bitch. I'm stuck on the "Associated with the Graduated Federal income tax" clue. Shit.

I see no knee injury

Preggo!

Quite possibly the finest V-Day cards in the country....

go to youyesyou and wince knowing Valentine's Day is tomorrow and your card just isn't that great.

OMG!!!!! My Super Sweet Sixteen!!!!!!!! ;)

MTV's new show My Super Sweet Sixteen could rapidly gain status in the Rich Girls/Made/Laguna Beach Hall of Fame. While I too, was dumbfounded by the episode with Jacqueline and Lauren's escapades and idiotic outlook on the reality of how much things cost and bad ideas ( We should totally get the Rolling Stones for our party!!!!), I was mostly fascinated by Lauren's messed up extensions, Pauly Shore popping up randomly (what was he doing there?) and Jacqueline's disturbing resemblance to Wyatt from Weird Science. You remember Weird Science, right? One of those 80's movies that was about total goons gettng laid? Right. Wyatt... the one who wore ladypants after he porked Lisa. It begs the questions: Jacqueline and and boy from weird science? Long lost relatives? In LOVE?

In order to develop this investigation, I had to do some serious IMDB research on Wyatt aka Ilan Mitchell-Smith. This research revealed that Wyatt does not have a daughter residing in La Jolla. Sad. But he does have a degree in Medeival studies and lied to his wife about his acting career. So there may be no blood connection between the two of them. But we can dream, right?



He thinks it's going to be awesome. I beg to differ.

This is pretty right on.... I am definitely a girl and lil goosechip is definitely a guy. Who knew you could tell these things by words you choose?

Potty Palooza... on its way to your town?

While I've always dry heaved whever I saw the shitting bear Charmin commercial, they've really taken gross out to the next level with their Potty Palooza-- a bus equipped with 27 toilets. That's right. A great big RV that 27 people can shit in all at once. Why, you ask? Because Charmin thinks it is a really, really good idea.

Nevermind the old adage of never crapping in an RV... somehow, it is ok to have a rolling bus of urine and feces hit up festivals with dancing Charmin poop bears to entertain you in line and your own personal smiling brand rep who will cleans it all up after you go. Gross, gross, gross.

The bitch is back.

Nicole Richie proves she really is a bitch when she tells Tori Spelling she named a rat after her. She and Paris are like Mean Girls Redux. Throw Lindsay into the mix, and you've got something really, really rotten.

Groder.

Say goodbye to constipation!

One of the many great things about Tokyo is the plethora of vending machines that sell tiny aluminum bottles of Coke and other cold beverages. They're on just about every street corner. In addition to tried and true beverages like Coke and orange Fanta, there is a bevy of "water". I stress the "water" part. See, there are water sorts of beverages sort of like our SmartWater (enhanced with electrolytes and shit) but I hear that it is a little more extreme than anything sold here in the US. I was warned, prior to my first trip about anything that was labeled "SWEAT". Apparently, anything labeled SWEAT or that has blue and white labeling... particularly Pocari SWEAT, would give you a wicked case of diarreah. Mind you, these are the drinks that are sold in nearly every vending machine and they look like regular old water. So either there are lots of people that aren't concerned about getting juicy on the subway or a whole lot of really constipated people. I wonder if anyone gets embarassed about having to buy one like how I would imagine most people would be when they buy Metamucil or prunes.


It seems to be very effective at vanquishing violet tones from your intestine. I imagine if you humored yourself with a bottle of Slaria and watched J. Lo and Marc Anthony's duet at the Grammy Awards, you could get the juices going in no time. I hear they're planning it acapella and Marc is going to wear tap pants.

For your viewing pleasure...

I offer you Cat Porn... of the Tabby Persian variety.

One more reason to love Bill Murray.

He traded his autograph (which he signed on a $4 bootlegged copy of The Life Aquatic) for a plaque from 2000 that a gravedigger picked out of the trash for him in Roanoke, VA just the other day. Don't believe me? Read the link.
For those of you who haven't heard my most favorite Bill Murray story ever (I think I heard it on TAL), let me share: some guy was walking through Penn station or something and spotted Bill Murray walking along. He stopped him under the pretenses of getting an autograph or something when Bill pulled him into a headlock and gave him a fierce noogie. When the guy got out of the noogie, Bill leaned over and whispered in his ear, "No one will ever believe you," and walked away. Beautiful.

Tlon, Uqbar, or Orbus Tertius?

I've been biting my tongue about this for the past few days.... maybe you've heard of the man who accidentally got a nail stuck in his head? When I first heard the story, I was thinking, "how do you get a nail in your head and not know about it until you go to the dentist?" Was there no blood? Did it go in through his nose and magically hit the "no memory" epicenter in the brain? Did he have his mouth open while gaping at the ceiling? I hope that you noticed, also, in the linked article that the neurosurgeon attending Lawler's injury noted that this is the SECOND time someone has gotten a nail in the head and not noticed. I want to know how they didn't note his remarkable resemblance to famous-but-I-don't-really-know-why phone sex addict Colin Farrell.
Phineas Gage was another guy that got something stuck in his brain... and he wound up being a really, really big jerk.
Speaking of big jerks, I love the news that Spiderman has turned into a great big fatso.

Is sounded even a word?

Have you ever wanted to make your own font? Pretty awesome, except for the part where the main piece of software you need costs $349. I know. If you're a student, you maybe have a more affordable option seeing as you can get it for $125. Or you could always make one at Fontifier for a reasonable $9.

There was an episode on This American Life a while back about the man who really wanted to revolutionize television by creating a tv channel that was dedicated to Puppies.... all the time. His vision had nothing to do with still images of puppies with lite rock playing in the background... he had actual video footage of puppies in action with pleasant music in the background. That episode of TAL made it pretty clear the man could never get the channel syndicated on TV, but now it's on the interweb.

Put the pipe down, Rita.

All Warm and Fuzzy.

In tiny baby and fluffy kitten news, I discovered these really, really awesome toys before I got sick in Japan: Hidamari no Tami. They were designed for people who work in offices all day who need to relax. You are supposed to put business cards on them (seeing as business cards are incredibly important in terms of status and recognition over there. I just like them because they may be the most awesome adult toy ever created. all it does is bobs its head side to side in the most gentle, ambient way. Since it is solar powered, it will run constantly... you will never get sick of it. I ordered one off of Ebay. I'm still waiting, Mr. Hong Kong.

Did you know you can record shit with your Ipod? That you could actually get music off of your Ipod? Or maybe that you could change the GRAPHICS to something as obvs as Hello Kitty (maybe a pic of Kim Jong Il or Jake Gyllenhall is in order)? Hmm? Are you fully paddling your pud?

Have you ever pondered the inner workings of the call girl industry circa 1998?

For those of you wondering what Brad has been up to since he and Jennifer stopped getting matching highlights, I offer you this: Brad Pitt at the Orange Bowl... totally stoned.

Liquid Generation. I could spend hours playing "Whose Boobs" (I'm really good!). Or staring down Rodney Dangerfield.

Dear Wes,

I saw Life Aquatic on the 26th. And while I was thrilled with the gun fight scene the most, I have to question the Jaguar Shark scene. Seriously, man. Sigur Ros? Nothing against them, I actually like listening to them every so often. While your movies have made so many songs that much better for me, ie "2000 Man" in Bottle Rocket, "Here Comes My Baby" in Rushmore, and "Lullabye" in the Royals-- or any song in there, for that matter...-- you ruined that Sigur Ros song for me. I can't even think of the name of it off the top of my head since it is written in that fake language anyway. Everything else in the Life Aquatic was so so nice. But Sigur Ros? That would be like busting out Neneh Cherry in the middle of Winged Migration. Quite simply, it is uncalled for.
Also--why didn't Steve kill the shark? Like maybe he could have punched the shark in the nose and killed him with a big sharp metal thing. In the eye or something. I hear sharks hate being hit in the nose. I also thought that Steve and the preggo journalist should have been the only ones in that weird claustrophobic submarine... it would have been more symbolic, you know? Like, even though Cate was fully not preggers with Ned's baby, she could have been in Steve's mind so then it would be all about the future, and not about how many people were on the Belafonte. Maybe Ned would have been a symbolic fetus. Maybe I'm full of shit. Either way, I've got major, major beef with that scene. Everything else was impeccable.

I still love you. I always will.

Sincerely,
charles

Trouble.

For those of you that believe that downloading music is wrong, I apologize in advance. I finally got my hands on a piece of software I'd heard so much about on a funny cd I got that came with a totally geeky Mac magazine: Audio Hijack Pro. Let me tell you... I've wasted most of today using this program to burn all kinds of things off of streaming audio type websites-- again, my apologies to those of you with a conscience. If you get it and don't register it, it'll start fuzzing out whatever you are recording after 10 minutes... if you do register it (your choice of the Pro version or the regular version) it, obvs, won't do that. I got the Pro version which nicely integrates all the audio crap I burned into Itunes instantly.

Also, I don't mean to get all vigilante and shit, but if you read this and live in California (a nice big chunk of you) please take a look at the Megan's Law website I put up under the links bar. It will show you grodo child molester types that may live around you. It's good info to know, especially if there are kids in your neighborhood, or if you care about things like this (hi!). I just found out there is a really old sodomizer/child molester that lives 4 houses down from me. The site does not list dates of abuse, but it does have pictures. You can search by zip code, city, school proximity, etc. Be sure after you enter the search parameters that you hit the "View Listing" button as opposed to "Enter" otherwise you will get a blank page with total numbers as opposed to the actual information.

I would love to ask the person who animated this what they got paid and how hard they laughed when they reaized what they would have to do: Peenimation!. via Lindsayism

Alias; New season begins January 16th.

Either she's pregnant or Ben Affleck gave her syphillis.

Meow Meow Meow

I think prison is dulling Martha's decorating abilities. Paper cranes for Christmas? That's like sending your sister to ribbon cutting opening for a club that is named after you. It's too funny.

Also, I'm confused.... wasn't it about three years ago that some dude proposed to Lala during a New Year's MTV thing? Or was it Carmelo then, too?

Stapleless staplers via boingboing; so hot right now.

Cereality. Imagine being able to get a fat bowl of cereal any time you'd like. obvs, if you were at home you could get that shit all day... I mean if you were taking your lunch break or wandering around town. You could mix them up, add toppings (hi bananas), and pay a nice person wearing pajamas. Apparently, they make cereal shakes--disgusting-- but they also offer cereal to go in a leakproof container, which is totally radical and fully amazing. Should one open here in lovely Santa Barbara, I would gladly forsake In N Out in favor of Cocoa Krispies all day long. I was thinking about how excited I would be if they opened some stores up in airports. Especially SFO, seeing as I spend so much time there during layovers. durrr.

Rate My Kitten.

Maybe you haven't seen NME's Cool List CD? Maybe you could? Or maybe you should streamThe Bravery?

And when I thought that the China hole toilets were bad, I learned about Indian toilets (via boingboing). I especially like the electric showers... there's nothing like standing in a pool of water and playing with electricity.

I LOVE LINKING!

Baby girl, you so beautiful.

IM RULES!

Ron Burgundy: dude
Ron Burgundy returned at 11:13:09 AM.
Ron Burgundy: DUUUUDE
Ron Burgundy: http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96781308/K=lil+jon/v=2/SID=e/l=VDP/SIG=
11qba3i8o/*-http%3A//www.blarfy.com/files/movies/newsDrunkWoman.wmv
Ron Burgundy is away at 11:41:13 AM.
CHARLES: I do that all the time
Auto response from Ron Burgundy: Jesus told me not to talk to you.
CHARLES: in fact I'm known for beating up newsmen
CHARLES: newsmen and women
CHARLES: Im an equal opportunity bag thrower
CHARLES: or newspersdon abuser
CHARLES: this is so going on my blog

Get off the pooter, folks

With all of my recent food related excitement, for the first time in a long time (about 7 years), I found myself completely uninterested in getting on the internet. Although I could hardly say the respite was relaxing, (the closest sentiment was a horror), this article suggests that perhaps we could all use a little break from the internet. Whether yours is food poisoning related, an act of God, or for reasons that are beyond me-- that you simply would not want to read whatevs, I dare you try it.

Sadly, I had no encounters with any of the hole style toilets in China. I did, however, have the distinct pleasure of staying at one of the largest compunds in all of Guangzho-- The Clifford. The enormity of the place is strange in comparison to the general layout of Panyu City in general. The Clifford features a major hotel (I would imagine it is a 4 star by Chinese hotel standards), luxury high rise apartments, a major hospital (about 15 stories high), a school, more restaurants than you can shake a stick at, a zoo, regular old apartments, grocery stores, clothing stores, electronics stores, and a million people. I'm serious. All in a gated compound off the side of a highway that seems to be under permanent construction. Oh, I forgot, The Clifford War Games area... yes-- you can shoot fake guns at one another while you crawl through bushes and terrain near the lake on the property.

Have I told you lately

Before I started puking up my sushi dinner from yesterday (I think it was the sea urchin), I had been trying, in vain, to get a picture of the toilet sprayer in action. As I've said before, all of the toilet action takes place when there is weight on the seat... being that the spray erupts from the toilet bowl itself in an upward trajectory, I have attempted to get a profile picture of the butt fountain in action to avoid getting wet. So far, my attempts have been fruitless. I tried putting my foot on the seat, standing on it (I would definitely have gotten a spray but I chickened out since I didn't want wet pants), and holding my breath hoping for a miracle. No luck. Just puke. I must say, on its way up, Miso tastes like shit. I can only hope you will settle for this pic of instructions on what not to do on the toilet. Please notice, I have put the toilet in dire danger of cracking seeing as I was standing on it. I might have caused some injuries.



I also took the liberty of thoroughly creeping out other people in the women's restroom at Seibu (a ginormous department store) by taking a picture of this even more user intensive toilet, replete with "Powerful Deodorizer". I didn't push it because I didn't know if the deodorizer was for the air or for butts. I must say, though, repeatedly pushing the "Flushing sounds" button in there was pretty funny in a kindergarten sort of way. I didn't play with the volume button so I didn't get a sense of how loud you could get that shit going.



Also, please note this toilet disinfectant... so much more reassuring than our run of the mill paper guards.



I really should have taken a picture of the women in the bathroom who were startled to see me walking out of the stall after seeing flashes going off. Just wait until I get to China and can take more pictures of the holes in the floor.

as seen in harajuku

So, I'm in Japan and obvs, I have like the worst case of jet lag. I was out today in Shibuya and Harajuku staring at feet and going into little hole in the wall sneaker shops... when lo, I saw this freak mask in front of one of the 80 vintage shops. Seriously. He's got nips on his cheeks. So fucked. I had to check with other people I was with to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the teats. Nasty.

Lindsay Lohan

Total blazer. No wonder she's so exhausted.

It explains so much.

Prince Charles Reminisces About his love of soggy, wife-cheating, emotionally distant Cereal.