For your viewing pleasure...

I offer you Cat Porn... of the Tabby Persian variety.

One more reason to love Bill Murray.

He traded his autograph (which he signed on a $4 bootlegged copy of The Life Aquatic) for a plaque from 2000 that a gravedigger picked out of the trash for him in Roanoke, VA just the other day. Don't believe me? Read the link.
For those of you who haven't heard my most favorite Bill Murray story ever (I think I heard it on TAL), let me share: some guy was walking through Penn station or something and spotted Bill Murray walking along. He stopped him under the pretenses of getting an autograph or something when Bill pulled him into a headlock and gave him a fierce noogie. When the guy got out of the noogie, Bill leaned over and whispered in his ear, "No one will ever believe you," and walked away. Beautiful.

Tlon, Uqbar, or Orbus Tertius?

I've been biting my tongue about this for the past few days.... maybe you've heard of the man who accidentally got a nail stuck in his head? When I first heard the story, I was thinking, "how do you get a nail in your head and not know about it until you go to the dentist?" Was there no blood? Did it go in through his nose and magically hit the "no memory" epicenter in the brain? Did he have his mouth open while gaping at the ceiling? I hope that you noticed, also, in the linked article that the neurosurgeon attending Lawler's injury noted that this is the SECOND time someone has gotten a nail in the head and not noticed. I want to know how they didn't note his remarkable resemblance to famous-but-I-don't-really-know-why phone sex addict Colin Farrell.
Phineas Gage was another guy that got something stuck in his brain... and he wound up being a really, really big jerk.
Speaking of big jerks, I love the news that Spiderman has turned into a great big fatso.

Is sounded even a word?

Have you ever wanted to make your own font? Pretty awesome, except for the part where the main piece of software you need costs $349. I know. If you're a student, you maybe have a more affordable option seeing as you can get it for $125. Or you could always make one at Fontifier for a reasonable $9.

There was an episode on This American Life a while back about the man who really wanted to revolutionize television by creating a tv channel that was dedicated to Puppies.... all the time. His vision had nothing to do with still images of puppies with lite rock playing in the background... he had actual video footage of puppies in action with pleasant music in the background. That episode of TAL made it pretty clear the man could never get the channel syndicated on TV, but now it's on the interweb.

Put the pipe down, Rita.

All Warm and Fuzzy.

In tiny baby and fluffy kitten news, I discovered these really, really awesome toys before I got sick in Japan: Hidamari no Tami. They were designed for people who work in offices all day who need to relax. You are supposed to put business cards on them (seeing as business cards are incredibly important in terms of status and recognition over there. I just like them because they may be the most awesome adult toy ever created. all it does is bobs its head side to side in the most gentle, ambient way. Since it is solar powered, it will run constantly... you will never get sick of it. I ordered one off of Ebay. I'm still waiting, Mr. Hong Kong.

Did you know you can record shit with your Ipod? That you could actually get music off of your Ipod? Or maybe that you could change the GRAPHICS to something as obvs as Hello Kitty (maybe a pic of Kim Jong Il or Jake Gyllenhall is in order)? Hmm? Are you fully paddling your pud?

Have you ever pondered the inner workings of the call girl industry circa 1998?

For those of you wondering what Brad has been up to since he and Jennifer stopped getting matching highlights, I offer you this: Brad Pitt at the Orange Bowl... totally stoned.

Liquid Generation. I could spend hours playing "Whose Boobs" (I'm really good!). Or staring down Rodney Dangerfield.

Dear Wes,

I saw Life Aquatic on the 26th. And while I was thrilled with the gun fight scene the most, I have to question the Jaguar Shark scene. Seriously, man. Sigur Ros? Nothing against them, I actually like listening to them every so often. While your movies have made so many songs that much better for me, ie "2000 Man" in Bottle Rocket, "Here Comes My Baby" in Rushmore, and "Lullabye" in the Royals-- or any song in there, for that matter...-- you ruined that Sigur Ros song for me. I can't even think of the name of it off the top of my head since it is written in that fake language anyway. Everything else in the Life Aquatic was so so nice. But Sigur Ros? That would be like busting out Neneh Cherry in the middle of Winged Migration. Quite simply, it is uncalled for.
Also--why didn't Steve kill the shark? Like maybe he could have punched the shark in the nose and killed him with a big sharp metal thing. In the eye or something. I hear sharks hate being hit in the nose. I also thought that Steve and the preggo journalist should have been the only ones in that weird claustrophobic submarine... it would have been more symbolic, you know? Like, even though Cate was fully not preggers with Ned's baby, she could have been in Steve's mind so then it would be all about the future, and not about how many people were on the Belafonte. Maybe Ned would have been a symbolic fetus. Maybe I'm full of shit. Either way, I've got major, major beef with that scene. Everything else was impeccable.

I still love you. I always will.

Sincerely,
charles

Trouble.

For those of you that believe that downloading music is wrong, I apologize in advance. I finally got my hands on a piece of software I'd heard so much about on a funny cd I got that came with a totally geeky Mac magazine: Audio Hijack Pro. Let me tell you... I've wasted most of today using this program to burn all kinds of things off of streaming audio type websites-- again, my apologies to those of you with a conscience. If you get it and don't register it, it'll start fuzzing out whatever you are recording after 10 minutes... if you do register it (your choice of the Pro version or the regular version) it, obvs, won't do that. I got the Pro version which nicely integrates all the audio crap I burned into Itunes instantly.

Also, I don't mean to get all vigilante and shit, but if you read this and live in California (a nice big chunk of you) please take a look at the Megan's Law website I put up under the links bar. It will show you grodo child molester types that may live around you. It's good info to know, especially if there are kids in your neighborhood, or if you care about things like this (hi!). I just found out there is a really old sodomizer/child molester that lives 4 houses down from me. The site does not list dates of abuse, but it does have pictures. You can search by zip code, city, school proximity, etc. Be sure after you enter the search parameters that you hit the "View Listing" button as opposed to "Enter" otherwise you will get a blank page with total numbers as opposed to the actual information.

I would love to ask the person who animated this what they got paid and how hard they laughed when they reaized what they would have to do: Peenimation!. via Lindsayism

Alias; New season begins January 16th.

Either she's pregnant or Ben Affleck gave her syphillis.

Meow Meow Meow

I think prison is dulling Martha's decorating abilities. Paper cranes for Christmas? That's like sending your sister to ribbon cutting opening for a club that is named after you. It's too funny.

Also, I'm confused.... wasn't it about three years ago that some dude proposed to Lala during a New Year's MTV thing? Or was it Carmelo then, too?

Stapleless staplers via boingboing; so hot right now.

Cereality. Imagine being able to get a fat bowl of cereal any time you'd like. obvs, if you were at home you could get that shit all day... I mean if you were taking your lunch break or wandering around town. You could mix them up, add toppings (hi bananas), and pay a nice person wearing pajamas. Apparently, they make cereal shakes--disgusting-- but they also offer cereal to go in a leakproof container, which is totally radical and fully amazing. Should one open here in lovely Santa Barbara, I would gladly forsake In N Out in favor of Cocoa Krispies all day long. I was thinking about how excited I would be if they opened some stores up in airports. Especially SFO, seeing as I spend so much time there during layovers. durrr.

Rate My Kitten.

Maybe you haven't seen NME's Cool List CD? Maybe you could? Or maybe you should streamThe Bravery?

And when I thought that the China hole toilets were bad, I learned about Indian toilets (via boingboing). I especially like the electric showers... there's nothing like standing in a pool of water and playing with electricity.

I LOVE LINKING!

Baby girl, you so beautiful.

IM RULES!

Ron Burgundy: dude
Ron Burgundy returned at 11:13:09 AM.
Ron Burgundy: DUUUUDE
Ron Burgundy: http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96781308/K=lil+jon/v=2/SID=e/l=VDP/SIG=
11qba3i8o/*-http%3A//www.blarfy.com/files/movies/newsDrunkWoman.wmv
Ron Burgundy is away at 11:41:13 AM.
CHARLES: I do that all the time
Auto response from Ron Burgundy: Jesus told me not to talk to you.
CHARLES: in fact I'm known for beating up newsmen
CHARLES: newsmen and women
CHARLES: Im an equal opportunity bag thrower
CHARLES: or newspersdon abuser
CHARLES: this is so going on my blog

Get off the pooter, folks

With all of my recent food related excitement, for the first time in a long time (about 7 years), I found myself completely uninterested in getting on the internet. Although I could hardly say the respite was relaxing, (the closest sentiment was a horror), this article suggests that perhaps we could all use a little break from the internet. Whether yours is food poisoning related, an act of God, or for reasons that are beyond me-- that you simply would not want to read whatevs, I dare you try it.

Sadly, I had no encounters with any of the hole style toilets in China. I did, however, have the distinct pleasure of staying at one of the largest compunds in all of Guangzho-- The Clifford. The enormity of the place is strange in comparison to the general layout of Panyu City in general. The Clifford features a major hotel (I would imagine it is a 4 star by Chinese hotel standards), luxury high rise apartments, a major hospital (about 15 stories high), a school, more restaurants than you can shake a stick at, a zoo, regular old apartments, grocery stores, clothing stores, electronics stores, and a million people. I'm serious. All in a gated compound off the side of a highway that seems to be under permanent construction. Oh, I forgot, The Clifford War Games area... yes-- you can shoot fake guns at one another while you crawl through bushes and terrain near the lake on the property.

Have I told you lately

Before I started puking up my sushi dinner from yesterday (I think it was the sea urchin), I had been trying, in vain, to get a picture of the toilet sprayer in action. As I've said before, all of the toilet action takes place when there is weight on the seat... being that the spray erupts from the toilet bowl itself in an upward trajectory, I have attempted to get a profile picture of the butt fountain in action to avoid getting wet. So far, my attempts have been fruitless. I tried putting my foot on the seat, standing on it (I would definitely have gotten a spray but I chickened out since I didn't want wet pants), and holding my breath hoping for a miracle. No luck. Just puke. I must say, on its way up, Miso tastes like shit. I can only hope you will settle for this pic of instructions on what not to do on the toilet. Please notice, I have put the toilet in dire danger of cracking seeing as I was standing on it. I might have caused some injuries.



I also took the liberty of thoroughly creeping out other people in the women's restroom at Seibu (a ginormous department store) by taking a picture of this even more user intensive toilet, replete with "Powerful Deodorizer". I didn't push it because I didn't know if the deodorizer was for the air or for butts. I must say, though, repeatedly pushing the "Flushing sounds" button in there was pretty funny in a kindergarten sort of way. I didn't play with the volume button so I didn't get a sense of how loud you could get that shit going.



Also, please note this toilet disinfectant... so much more reassuring than our run of the mill paper guards.



I really should have taken a picture of the women in the bathroom who were startled to see me walking out of the stall after seeing flashes going off. Just wait until I get to China and can take more pictures of the holes in the floor.

as seen in harajuku

So, I'm in Japan and obvs, I have like the worst case of jet lag. I was out today in Shibuya and Harajuku staring at feet and going into little hole in the wall sneaker shops... when lo, I saw this freak mask in front of one of the 80 vintage shops. Seriously. He's got nips on his cheeks. So fucked. I had to check with other people I was with to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the teats. Nasty.

Lindsay Lohan

Total blazer. No wonder she's so exhausted.

It explains so much.

Prince Charles Reminisces About his love of soggy, wife-cheating, emotionally distant Cereal.

one of these days

Although this may not affect all of you, I have to share that you can check your credit report for free beginning tomorrow, courtesy of Assface Bush. I guess they're worried about swarming Americans, so only people living in the beautiful state of California and other semi-important, mildly relevant states like Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Hawaii, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming can see them now. Even if you don't have any loans or are filthy filthy rich and think credit reports are for losers, please check anyway. You'd be suprised at how many companies look at that shit everyday. Or you might be even more suprised if you are one of those lucky people who have credit cards you didn't even know about! I'm serious


Good music: click here or here and stream a Shugo Tokumaru song. You can buy it here (shipping is only $2.00!) since other music is out.

this is a bad idea attracts a whole new sort of readership.

I'm a little troubled. I accidentally spilled Coke all over my keyboard so I am cutting and pasting "spaces" to write this since my space bar isn't working. Tedious, to say the least. I was going to find a new keyboard before I posted again, but I couldn't help it. One of the MSN searches that yielded a visit from some interesting, fascinating person in Idaho was so vom I had to post: Dirty Preggo Porn. (third down)

Simba hearts Turkey Day.