Ghouls, goblins, Lymphogranuloma venereum.

please note TOM GREEN over Nicki's shoulder

What the world needs now is a new STD. Especially something that causes intestinal bleeding, genital ulcers, and inflammation of the colon. Luckliy, it can be cured by a three week course of antibiotics or prevented by avoiding hot tubs. ZING!

I'm so excited.

Three things that I love:
1. Craigslist
2. Owen Meany (in turn, see #3)
3. The tiny people from Australia



On santabarbara.craigslist it seems like the sketchy shit in therapeutic services has very little to do with happy ending masseuses or people who telepathically communicate with animals. There's a dude on there that just won't let up. He really wants a "massage."

In his first post, he is looking to find a masseuse that is not only female, but also in shape. Hmm. A little weird, but whatevs, right? No. One of his next lines is, "No need to be sore any longer than necessary. Right?" DUDE IS A FREAK.

In what I can only assume is his second post, five days later, he straddles the fine line between creepy and lecherous. In an attempt to counteract his creepy post, he indicates he is a Gentleman.

Again, 8 days later, he posts again. Only this time, he has an arrangement for a caring, female massuese.

At this point in my reading, I started wondering if he was a cop trolling for hookers, or a really horny old dude who wants a serious bonerfied rubdown. There has to be more posts, right? This guy was not going to give up.

He didn't. He had to give it one last try.

Allerca | The Hypo-Allergenic Cat

It's so weird they don't show you what they look like.

Semi-militant grammarians, UNITE!

Which would be gramatically correct here: Stabbing your gay lover with a pair of scissors? Or stabbing your gay lover with a Scissors?

Bjork the new Sinead? Stereogum brings it.

John Norris is so 1992

Laura urges Teresa to "talk to the hand."

This little blurb from Gawker Stalker further proves that no one is in touch with the fact that Kurt Loder is the semi-retired-but-still occasionally-paraded-out-for-news-spots VJ worth anything:

John Norris was at the Union Square East Starbucks with a very, very, very young boy toy. The boy was still struggling to make it through puberty and could not have been older than 18 perhaps, to be generous, 20. John sat very close to the lad, placng his knee between his crotch. The boy was gushing about his friend's reaction to the fact that 'John Norris was his boyfriend.' He said 'They all keep saying, when is John Norris (yes, he used his first and last name) coming over?' John was blushing and loving the attention."

"They're drooling on themselves sometimes, their motor function is so bad." Beware of California motorists under the influence of Kava. This means you, Britney and Kevin.

And I'm going to name my kid Mike Hunt.

Ashlee explains herself: it's acid REFUX, people.
(I promise, in like two days, I will forget about Ashlee Simpson and not post about her again, unless I see something about her acid reflux acting up again... or if I can find those pictures of her and Ryan making out at the airport.)

We are the Village Green Preservation Society

Al Green forgot to pull his pockets out to complete his Elephant impersonation. Fans of Grandmother's Tongue, Brain, and The Turtle (Totes NSFW) everywhere were disappointed.

Perhaps if Milli Vanilli would have had the foresight to blame their lack of singing talent on Acid Reflux disease, they could have ushered in pharmaceutical sponsorship years and years ago. Maybe Color Me Badd could have gotten sponsored by Cialis.

This article makes it seem like Kevin and Britney are drinking all of the fucking Kava on the island. Again, somebody, please warn Britney about the Cheetos. Orange babies are so not awesome.

I'm lovin' it.

I love Craigslist.

Especially in other cities.

Botching the sequence.

Anyone catch Ashlee "Milli Vanilli" Simpson on SNL last night? It is maybe the funniest thing that has happened on that show in forever. If you missed it, here's a mac and pc friendly link to the debacle. I can't even tell if the band was fake playing like she was fake singing. What was up with the one hand up crotch out dancing thing? She should stick to the gumboot/popeye-the-sailor-man dancing she starts doing once she realizes her cover was blown. Discuss. Also, please check out pics of Milli Vanilli Simpson at the afterparty. Please take special note of Joe Simpson (5th row down, second over) looking like he might choke a bitch. Smashing!

UPDATE!
"What really happened." via Gossiplist. Also, Ashlee is threatening to delete everything on the website... read it.

Prince Harry is the new Sean Penn.

AP Photo/Charlie Pycraft

WalMart's remains the bastion of Christian modesty by electing to not carry Jon Stewart's book, America in their brick and mortar retail outlets due to images of naked Supreme Court justices inside. This does not preclude smutty Wal-mart.com from selling said naked bookonline.

Simba has a peg leg

"JenniPHER, you look as if you've had a quaalude."

Are you a male between the ages of 18 and 30? Do you like older ladies? Have you got a hankering for criminals? Courtney is looking for a date.

Someone should warn Britney that too many Cheetos will turn her baby's skin orange.


AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL:

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, Kelle turned into Zoolander. Except every time she looked in the mirror, she cried. Then, she pointed out her "snout" to Toccara and pointed at the area around her mouth. Kelle-- a snout is the area around your nose. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but wouldn't that be considered jowls? Let's keep it together, Kelle. For reals. You should have gotten the boot. Especially after this botched breast examination pic. But whatevs. Yaya better win. And I hope they bring Simon Doonan back... last year, he suggested one contestant had borrowed an outfit from some hookers. This time? Suggesting JenniPHER had taken downers. Come on, man, what type of girl would write ANTM on her ass and take Ambien? JenniPHER? Nay, I say. Nay. Simon clearly missed that lovely presentation the week before. Also, I would like to thank Tyra and her other producers for showing Toccara and Kelle actually eating. Could this be paving the way for next weeks reveal about Cassie the stripper student's eating disorder?

Again, if you are not watching this show, you should be ( as well you should be watching the epic LAGUNA BEACH); ANTM has repeats on Friday at 9/8 on UPN.

Please also continue sitting on your hands.... the OC returns on Nov 2.

Bono, I can teach you Spanish!

Dear Bono,
As exciting as it may be that you are forcing consumers to listen to your new album because it will come preloaded on upcoming BLACK Ipods (DEVELOPING*!!), I must ask you to re-assess the recent commercials that have been getting an alarming amount of airplay. The reason is the Spanish in the beginning of your song: "Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce." Considering your vast "influence" on the world, I must ask you to change your lyrics... Just as I would not say, "One, Two, Three, FOURTEEN!" at the beginning of any song I might sing, I would ask you to do the same.
You are tricking many impressionable non-Spanish speakers into thinking that the word "Catorce" is, in fact, the Spanish word for "Four." It pains me enough to hear people refer to Jicama as "hick-a-mah" and Chile Rellenos as "Chill-eee-ray-yen-ohs", just as I am sure it pains you every time Bush says "nuke-yuh-lur" whenever he is speaking publicly. So for the sake of language acquisition, if not only for the sake of miserable pronunciation, please change your lyric to "Cuatro".


*from WGSN:
Apple will be launching a limited-edition black U2 version of its iPod music player, according to reports.
Apple and U2 are expected to announce the tie-up next week and it is anticipated that the Irish band's new album, "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb", due out at the end of November, will come preloaded on iPods.
The company is facing increased competition from the likes of Sony, which has launched a multimillion-pound pan-European ad campaign to promote its rival Walkman.
Apple already features U2's new single "Vertigo" in its current TV ads for the iPod. The custom black version of the top-selling digital music player is expected to backed by a new advertising campaign that will launch over the US Thanksgiving weekend in late November. "

Plaque is detrimental.

For anyone living under a rock that missed the totally hardcore and awesome verbal manfight that went down between Jon Stewart and Asshat Carlson, here are links to the recorded spar via IFilm, a transcript via those sweethearts at CNN, and an mp3 (via stereogum )for your remixing pleasure. In the meantime, please feel free to gaze lovingly at Jon's college era visage whilst flossing your grill*.... mmmm. Dreamy.

I'm so happy I don't have a camera phone.


*FREE!!! via boingboing...

Gavin and his Baby Mama

gavin rossdale and pearl lowe

In other news of interest circa 1996, Gavin Rossdale has a 15 year old daughter. She's here, towering over Jude Law's ex-wife, Sadie Frost, and Jemima French.
I feel sorry for Gwen...so weird... didn't they already have a falling out before they got married because he kept cheating on her?

Gloves are optional, blonde highlights a MUST.

AP Photo/Dave Weaver

popular searches in my friendster network

1. william hung death
2. new hair styles
3. zodiac love match
4. hipster quiz
5. what's my phone number spell?
6. halloween costumes
7. tonnie warfield
8. how to hook up
9. Kirsten Malone
10. jimmy choo

um. dunno.

I'm an asshole, pt. 2

AP photo/Matt York
Is it just me or did George Bush sound like Dr. Evil when he kept repeating, "4.2 TRILLION dollars" tonight during the debates?

Also, JenniPHER on America's Next Top Model... totally radical that she lifted up her dress and had "AN" on one butt cheek and "TM" on the other? I say yes. Yes, yes, yes. Instead of trying to punch Ann in the face, JenniPHER should just stamp Ann on the face with her butt. It would excuse the horrendous spelling of her name and up her about 15 notches on the Eva Diva Scale. Also, next Wednesday is for sure MUST SEE TV since Janice Dickinson is giving bathing suit photography lessons... lesson one: "keep 'em closed."

Franz Ferdinand the Wyrd Sisters play the Hogwarts Yule Ball!!!

Ebay guilty pleasure: Other buyers' feedback profiles... FASCINATING!!!! click on the Item numbers

HOLY SHIT!

http://www.losers.org/

Turtlenecks are so hot right now, y'all.

Possibly the best Drudge headline ever:
This season, I will mostly be wearing... a bag on my head.

You're the queen of superficiality/Keep your lies out of my reality."Hilary still hates Lindsay, obvs. Perhaps she could throw in a line about doing yoga and pilates and rooms full of hotties just like Madonna? Duff should just go after Wilmer Valderrama and be done with it. In other somewhat unrelated yet related news, Zach Braff is the new Wilmer Valderrama. Wilmer, you just need to get a date with Andy Roddick or Natalie Portman. Come on, man. Step up.

Fuck Red Bull, get Sum Poosi. It's pink and only 170 calories a bottle... Delish!

I am seriously beginning to question your commitment to Sparklemotion.

via lime-light
Recherche:
Pronunciation: r&-"sher-'shA, -'sher-"
Function: adjective
1 a : EXQUISITE, CHOICE b : EXOTIC, RARE
2 : excessively refined : AFFECTED
3 : PRETENTIOUS, OVERBLOWN


Jacqueline Stallone: mother of Sylvester, studier of butt prints, owner of psychic dogs. Go on, send her a picture of your butt. And ask her what her dogs have to say about Nader.

What the hell is wrong with Usher?

via people

Drunk Man Jenga via Thighswideshut . Hilarious. A little NSFW.

she's back at it.....

via defamer

"I confused it with the chicken's neck. I cut it ... and the dog rushed and ate it." WTF?

I can't decide if this is really evil or really awesome. It actually reminds me of a horrible trick I played using my old school's Health Services Stationary... Erin, if you're out there, I'm so sorry.

They gave me a buck, I gave them bad information.

Note to the NYT mag:
It is both irresponsible to your advertisers and idiotic to poll your readers about the impact of ads contained within the New York Times Magazine. You should realize that your readers are solely interested in the articles contained therein; ads are ignored or skipped entirely (especially those "Special Advertising Sections"-- seriously, who doesn't skip those whole sections?) to facilitate a good reading of the Ethicist or the cover story.... or to sadly flip through wishing the What They Were Thinking section was still extant. I can't imagine many people care or pay attention to the bevy of car ads featured in the inside cover. In fact, I would be willing to bet the inside cover pages are skipped entirely in virtually every magazine known. This of course, would lead to the question about why these pages are so damn expensive to advertise on. Either way, I appreciate your effort and interest in gathering my input; I also appreciate the dollar I will use in the vending machine at work tomorrow to buy a Coke. Amen.

A warning to those of you who conveniently forget to pay your credit card bill on time every month... ZING!

So sad... old googly eyes is gone

“It’s realistic. It’s about being in a long relationship and then getting into routines and that things get boring sometimes.” J. Lo reveals the secret to having a successul relationship: Getting rid of music videos of you and a toupee wearing actor buying each other fancy watches.

Courtney Love's big words.

Didactic
Function: adjective
Etymology: Greek didaktikos, from didaskein to teach
1 a : designed or intended to teach
b : intended to convey instruction and information as well as pleasure and entertainment
2 : making moral observations

e.g.:
Courtney Love has served as a visually didactic method of conveying the potential pitfalls of plastic surgery.